i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
