Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
