You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
