if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
As shirtless as possible
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
