while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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