i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
