my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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