i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
