Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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