I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
