she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
