did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
