Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
