I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
