on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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