I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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