ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
