I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
