I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
