I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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