Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
