Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
