When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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