I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
