dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
