he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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