i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
