ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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