Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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