Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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