and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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