"it" just moved
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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