Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Randomize
