Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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