My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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