so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
