I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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