I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
