I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
