I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
