is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
