how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
