me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
