I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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