there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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