well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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