she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
