"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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