I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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