i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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