I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
