She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
