if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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